through the ED

i’m so lost without you.

without you here , sobriety doesn’t seem so appealing.

I wanna give into it again.

this battle will be won.

this will pass.

I can never think clear. You know photos like such where you see the city lights during rush hour? This is all I see when I’m on drugs. Sleeping pills, anxiety meds, painkillers, anti psychotics and patches.. Chased with some love tea

I can never think clear. You know photos like such where you see the city lights during rush hour? This is all I see when I’m on drugs. Sleeping pills, anxiety meds, painkillers, anti psychotics and patches.. Chased with some love tea

I’m dancing with tears in my eyes
Just fighting to get through the night
I’m losing it (losing it)
With every move I die
I’m faded I’m broken inside
I’ve wasted the love of my life
I’m Losing it (losing it)
With every move I die

When did I become such a hypocrite.
Double life, lies that you caught me in.
Trust me I’m paying for it.
With every move I die.
On the floor I’m just a zombie.
Who I am is not who I wanna be.
I’m such a tragedy.
With every move I die.

Naughty, naughty, naughty
We just wanna party
It’s all about fun and games
Until I hurt somebody

Definitely not an angel
But I’m not that evil, you know
I’m just so addicted
To beautiful people, uh oh

I’m getting sucked into the night
I’m out ahead and losing control
Oh no

Get me wrong and get me right
And know that I can never say no

Porcelain Black

i’ve gained 6lbs.. but it feels as if i’ve gained 50lbs.

that really isnt the worst of my problems right at the moment.

i’m dealing with a battle for my soul.. its painful.. trying to find my faith in a time where i’m still straddling the line… to live for myself or live for HIM.

its foolish to believe I can be any better then I have. I fall short and fail everytime.. i’m starting to think maybe this is my life? I need some motivation.. something to come alive in me again.

i’m a worthless cause God? who am I? where is my calling? what is it that you ask of me?

your voice used to be so clear but now.. its drowned out by my own thoughts..

the world has me convinced that its so idiotic to believe in something so prehistoric and naive such as the notion of their being a God…

i need faith… and a renewing of my mind.. I need a touch of something supernatural…

this is my call

starting to believe not even this can hold “it” together.

the stitches are busting open.. and everything is a bloody mess.

fuck it

i’ve gone to the hospital 3 times in the past week.

2 for my heart feeling faint.

1 for self harm and overdose.

but the funny thing is I found out the most amazing news ever…

something that will change my life forever..

oh em gee……. oh shiiit damn… not only is he fucking hot… he is majorly talented. hottness.. wow in LOVE/LUST… i’d sell my soul for a one night stand with mgk

oh em gee……. oh shiiit damn… not only is he fucking hot… he is majorly talented. hottness.. wow in LOVE/LUST… i’d sell my soul for a one night stand with mgk

One day maybe I’ll have found the road to recovery once again and those who can’t find the way to it will find my breadcrumbs.

I may have had a major relapse this past month with my ED.

I may have also started drinking again and ended up in the hospital vomiting blood..again.

The tube down my nose.. Well that may have been a new stepping stone with my drinking problem..

Oh well.. Let’s do this again.. Another round fighting for my sobriety..